This year has flown by. And in a little while I'm returning to 'another world'. A world that will feel weird. Because I'll be surrounded by the paradox of everything and yet nothing being the same. In a few weeks I will give hugs and I will cry while saying goodbye to people I didn't know a year ago, to go back to the people that I hugged and cried with a year ago, whenever I left. I will leave my best friends, to return to my best friends. I'll leave my family, to return to my family.

I will go back to the place where I grew up. I will go back to Ermelo, the town with the same familiar roads, and even though I haven't been there for the last 10 months, I'll still recognize every single thing, like I had never left. I will walk into the house where I had lived my whole life, and I will walk into my bedroom, and I will think about how much my life changed this year and how much I have changed. And the weird thing is that everything in my room will be the same, but I will be different. And I will realize that the things I thought were important one year ago, aren't important at all, and the things that I hold highest now, nobody at home will understand.

And I'm wondering who will pick me up at the airport? And who will call me? And what will I do my first days back in the Netherlands? Am I going to work at my old job? Who will I see at the party at Saturday night? What is everybody doing? And how long will it take before I start missing things from here? And probably after the first week everything will be back to normal. People get used to me being back. I told all my stories and I've heard all the stories I missed while I was gone. And I will definitely realize how much has changed.

I will realize that I have to live with missing people for the rest of my life. Because when I'm in the Netherlands I will miss my American family and friends. But when I'm in America I will miss my Dutch family and friends. And I will try to balance everything out. But I know now, that my heart will never beat fully again. Because I left something behind in every person I've met and every place I've been to. And I am never gonna be able to be with all those people and at all those places at the same time. So I know that the rest of my life I have to life with a ache in my heart from missing people. But I also know, that the rest of my life, I will have people I love all over the world.

During this year, I've learned the meaning of true friendship. I know with who I kept in touch over this past year and I know now who I hold dearest to my heart. I've learned a lot. I've had my heart broken. And I broke hearts. I've helped my friends. And my friends helped me. I broke rules. And some rules broke me. I've been for late night swims. I've stayed up all night. I've laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants. But I've also felt hopeless, being hours away from home whenever I needed their help or they needed mine.

In a few weeks I will leave. In a few weeks I will clean my room, take pictures and souvenirs down and pack my clothes. I will take my memories and dreams and put them away and save them for my return to this world. In a few weeks I will arrive. In a few weeks I will unpack my suitcase and have (healthy) dinner with my Dutch family. I will unpack old memories and dreams that had been put away for the past year. In a few weeks I have to find the strength the return and to adapt to a world that is the same, yet so different, because I have changed. In a few weeks nothing will be the same.

In just a few weeks...

lots of love,

Fleur