This is it. It's all done. My American Dream is over. I'm back in the Netherlands now. And it feels weird. In one of my last blogs I said that I will be surrounded by the paradox of everything and yet nothing being the same. And indeed, that's exactly how it feels. I kinda feel like I've never left, because everything here is the same. But at the same time, it's so different. And I can't really tell. It's a feeling in my heart and head but I don't know how to say it in words. And people don't understand me, and of course I get that, because they haven't been through this. But it's just so hard. And I don't know what to do with it. But I know that I'll figure it out, just like how I figured it out ten months ago when I was in a place where I felt lost too, for the first few weeks.

It's crazy to think about that. Ten months ago I arrived in the USA. In a place where I didn't know anybody, where I didn't speak the language and where I didn't know anything about the culture. I just went there and tried to figure it out. I tried to figure out how to eat properly, how to talk and how to communicate. Where to find my classrooms and where to eat lunch. I tried to figure out the conversion between miles and kilometers, Fahrenheit and Celsius, dollars and euros. I tried to figure out how to call the tennis scores in English, how to play football and how to sing the Tivy song. I tried to figure it all out. And it was frustrating sometimes, I had no idea what to do, and people didn't understand me. But I kept trying. Trying to figure it all out. And then last Saturday, I was standing at the airport, saying goodbye to people I didn't know ten months ago. And I couldn't stop crying. I cried for at least two hours because I didn't want to leave. It took us at least 30 minutes to say goodbye. And after every final hug, we had to give another hug. We kept waving to each other till I was through security. I went to the restroom to dry my tears. And I got a text from my family again. 'Please, come back to the window one more time'. So I went back, one more time, to wave goodbye. And the tears kept streaming down my face. Because, I had a family there, I had an amazing family that will be my family for the rest of my life. I had amazing friends and I'm sure we will always be friends. I went to a high school, I became a Tivy antler and I will always be a Tivy antler, because Tivy fight never dies. I figured out how to communicate with everyone, I knew how to eat like an American. It didn't surprise me anymore to see a gun, or a huge plate with a huge burger and French fries. Or to see people walking in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. Nothing there surprised me anymore. So that Saturday after saying goodbye I couldn't stop crying. And that was sad, but now when I'm looking back at it, I think I can say that it means that I did a pretty good job figuring everything out.

Sunday afternoon I arrived in Amsterdam. I was nervous about seeing my family again. I expected my parents and my grandpa to be there. I knew my brothers couldn't come and I didn't hear anything from my friends so I didn't expect them to be there. So I just thought my parents and grandpa would stand there and because they were just with them three I didn't even expect a poster or anything. But omg, I was so wrong. I walked out of the luggage pick up hall, and I came trough the doors, I was looking around searching for my parents, but I didn't see them. After two seconds I heard a lot of yelling and cheering so I looked that way. And there were my friends, my parents, my grandparents and my aunt and uncle with two big posters and flowers. I ran towards them and hugged them. It felt so good to see them again. After that we went to De Muur, my old job, and we eat dinner there. It was so much fun and I was so happy to see everyone again, so that day I could forget about being so sad about leaving.

But I have to admit, I miss America already. And I feel bad about it. I feel like I should be happy that I'm back and that I can see everyone again. And believe me, I am happy. But at the same time, I already wanna go back. And I've cried already because I miss Texas and its people. And again, I feel bad about it. And one of my friend's mothers wrote this on my Facebook: "Allow yourself to grieve just as you've allowed yourself to love". And that gave me strength. I realized after she wrote that, that I can grieve because I loved. If I didn't love as much as I did, I wouldn't grieve. But I did love a lot, so it's okay to grieve. And I know, in a few weeks, there will be no grieve anymore. There will be happiness because I can look back to an amazing year. A dream come true. Millions of wonderful memories. A lot of life lessons. Magical and breathtaking moments. And I will always have a family and friends on the other side of the world.

Lots of love,

Fleur

"I’ve learned that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures will never replace having been there, memories good or bad will bring tears and words can’t ever replace those feelings."